This Is Not Easy

This is not an easy diet - at least not yet. I am so accustomed being able to just go in the kitchen and pick out a snack or something and this doe snot allow that. Craving those chips so badly, I can just taste them. But I am bound and determined to stick to this as they say after and during as well you get to a point and you feel so good, and that is what I am waiting for ... to physically feel better.

The yoga is going well. Still going and still realizing how tight my muscles are and how weak I am. I though with all of the years of lifting Erich I would have more muscle but maybe have lost them all over the past 8 years. Time to rebuild.

The weekend is coming so that makes it harder to be on a diet. I love to go to the movies and how can I go to a movie and not eat popcorn - it'll kill me :(. Maybe I can get some of that FIT Popcorn, that's actually pretty good as long as you don't get the olive oil one.

So till next week ...

Here We Go

Well I started. Today is actually the first day. I got my box in the mail yesterday with my Isogenix - a new 30 health cleanse. I need this so bad. I feel so sluggish and I know it is because how poorly I have eaten over the many years and the unbelievable number of years I have been drinking diet coke - to an excess. Those 44 oz. Sonic Diet Cokes in Texas...everyday, maybe even twice in addition to having diet coke at home. And I keep reading how horrible these diet drinks are for you. I stopped those also today so will track if I feel better in giving them up. I better because I will surely miss my daily trecks to Sonic!

I began Yoga and oh my gosh. Talk about not having exercised in years - that's me. I had no idea there were those muscles in my body. I am so weak and so unbalanced. I should have started this practice years ago. I went to my first beginners class and loved it. Yes it was hard and I have a long  way to go but am looking forward to the increased strength and flexibility. I have read where yoga is the best thing for a persons physical, mental and spiritual being. I so need this. Going again this morning. Will try to go 4 times per week.

Prior to today , I have been baking  with the idea that I may want to start a business selling sweets; but I got on the scale this morning and had gained 5 pounds since doing this. I don't think this is the business for me. I taste test way too much. How are there ever thin bakers? How do you not taste it to determine if its good or not. I cannot rely just on others, so my mind is working overtime in what else I can do as a side business. Maybe after I get through this 30 day cleanse I will have more will power.

Part of my problem is that I eat when I am stressed, unhappy or just plain bored. I am not hugely overweight. I would say 20 pounds. But the way I relate to food is not healthy. It has been my crutch for so long. I must find another relief for stress. I am hoping yoga fulfills part of that, in addition to walking. My husband and I started o walk. I love being outdoors, especially in the evenings.

I take my measurements today as well - not looking forward to that. We are brought up thinking we have to be this certain size or look and that plays on girls and women's psyche - especially if you have body and eating issues already. I have to rid myself of what I "should" look like and just be happy and comfortable where I choose to be as long as it is a healthy weight for my body type. I always tell myself I want to be like when I was 35 and 120 pounds - yeh right. That will never see the light of day again! And it actually should not. I was almost anorexic looking at that weight. This whole body thing is an issue for me and has been as long as I can remember. With this cleanse and new healthy way of eating and with the help of a woman who provides workshops just for women on Living Well, I am on my way. It will be a struggle. It took me 59 years to get this way and I know it cannot happen overnight. The thought of that magic pill is not going to happen and I finally have to take responsibility for the way I am. I cannot do it for anyone else - it is for me.

More later ...

Today Is The First Day ...

We have all heard the saying ... "today is the first day of the rest of your life" ... right?  Today that saying is all mine. Today I start a healthy lifestyle, one that I have always wanted to do but have never done. I have always envied, and I know envy is not a good thing, all those women who have the commitment and what it takes to live healthy and practice healthy eating and physical activity. And then there are those of us - who think about it all the time, and yet never get our assess of the couch and do anything to change our life's. I read blog after blog, women just up and do it, and make it all sound so easy - well let me tell you, it is not that easy. It is probably one of the hardest things to do for yourself.

I, have never put myself first. In fact I will put a stranger first before I do anything for myself - why, I am not totally sure. But I have also heard, one does not need to know the whys of everything. And that is what has been striking me lately, that I want to see others happy, yet not myself. And that got me to thinking about me - finally. In two weeks I will be 59 years old - and although that is  really not that old, in some places I am considered a senior citizen, which is another topic for another day! And at 59 years old,  I can honestly say I have never put myself first and have never been happy. Oh sure I have been happy and there have been so many good times in my life, but that's not what I am talking about here. I am talking about inner happiness and contentment. That is what has eluded me my entire life. I have no idea what that even feels like - to be totally happy with me, as a human being, as a woman. And that is what I am starting today - that journey and search for inner happiness. Sounds silly to some, but I want to love myself as much as I love my son, two daughters and husband.

I will be blogging this journey every day. Some days may seem quite boring to most, but I think if I write about it - it becomes more real. I become accountable to myself. Wish me luck ...