This Is Not Easy

This is not an easy diet - at least not yet. I am so accustomed being able to just go in the kitchen and pick out a snack or something and this doe snot allow that. Craving those chips so badly, I can just taste them. But I am bound and determined to stick to this as they say after and during as well you get to a point and you feel so good, and that is what I am waiting for ... to physically feel better.

The yoga is going well. Still going and still realizing how tight my muscles are and how weak I am. I though with all of the years of lifting Erich I would have more muscle but maybe have lost them all over the past 8 years. Time to rebuild.

The weekend is coming so that makes it harder to be on a diet. I love to go to the movies and how can I go to a movie and not eat popcorn - it'll kill me :(. Maybe I can get some of that FIT Popcorn, that's actually pretty good as long as you don't get the olive oil one.

So till next week ...

Here We Go

Well I started. Today is actually the first day. I got my box in the mail yesterday with my Isogenix - a new 30 health cleanse. I need this so bad. I feel so sluggish and I know it is because how poorly I have eaten over the many years and the unbelievable number of years I have been drinking diet coke - to an excess. Those 44 oz. Sonic Diet Cokes in Texas...everyday, maybe even twice in addition to having diet coke at home. And I keep reading how horrible these diet drinks are for you. I stopped those also today so will track if I feel better in giving them up. I better because I will surely miss my daily trecks to Sonic!

I began Yoga and oh my gosh. Talk about not having exercised in years - that's me. I had no idea there were those muscles in my body. I am so weak and so unbalanced. I should have started this practice years ago. I went to my first beginners class and loved it. Yes it was hard and I have a long  way to go but am looking forward to the increased strength and flexibility. I have read where yoga is the best thing for a persons physical, mental and spiritual being. I so need this. Going again this morning. Will try to go 4 times per week.

Prior to today , I have been baking  with the idea that I may want to start a business selling sweets; but I got on the scale this morning and had gained 5 pounds since doing this. I don't think this is the business for me. I taste test way too much. How are there ever thin bakers? How do you not taste it to determine if its good or not. I cannot rely just on others, so my mind is working overtime in what else I can do as a side business. Maybe after I get through this 30 day cleanse I will have more will power.

Part of my problem is that I eat when I am stressed, unhappy or just plain bored. I am not hugely overweight. I would say 20 pounds. But the way I relate to food is not healthy. It has been my crutch for so long. I must find another relief for stress. I am hoping yoga fulfills part of that, in addition to walking. My husband and I started o walk. I love being outdoors, especially in the evenings.

I take my measurements today as well - not looking forward to that. We are brought up thinking we have to be this certain size or look and that plays on girls and women's psyche - especially if you have body and eating issues already. I have to rid myself of what I "should" look like and just be happy and comfortable where I choose to be as long as it is a healthy weight for my body type. I always tell myself I want to be like when I was 35 and 120 pounds - yeh right. That will never see the light of day again! And it actually should not. I was almost anorexic looking at that weight. This whole body thing is an issue for me and has been as long as I can remember. With this cleanse and new healthy way of eating and with the help of a woman who provides workshops just for women on Living Well, I am on my way. It will be a struggle. It took me 59 years to get this way and I know it cannot happen overnight. The thought of that magic pill is not going to happen and I finally have to take responsibility for the way I am. I cannot do it for anyone else - it is for me.

More later ...

Today Is The First Day ...

We have all heard the saying ... "today is the first day of the rest of your life" ... right?  Today that saying is all mine. Today I start a healthy lifestyle, one that I have always wanted to do but have never done. I have always envied, and I know envy is not a good thing, all those women who have the commitment and what it takes to live healthy and practice healthy eating and physical activity. And then there are those of us - who think about it all the time, and yet never get our assess of the couch and do anything to change our life's. I read blog after blog, women just up and do it, and make it all sound so easy - well let me tell you, it is not that easy. It is probably one of the hardest things to do for yourself.

I, have never put myself first. In fact I will put a stranger first before I do anything for myself - why, I am not totally sure. But I have also heard, one does not need to know the whys of everything. And that is what has been striking me lately, that I want to see others happy, yet not myself. And that got me to thinking about me - finally. In two weeks I will be 59 years old - and although that is  really not that old, in some places I am considered a senior citizen, which is another topic for another day! And at 59 years old,  I can honestly say I have never put myself first and have never been happy. Oh sure I have been happy and there have been so many good times in my life, but that's not what I am talking about here. I am talking about inner happiness and contentment. That is what has eluded me my entire life. I have no idea what that even feels like - to be totally happy with me, as a human being, as a woman. And that is what I am starting today - that journey and search for inner happiness. Sounds silly to some, but I want to love myself as much as I love my son, two daughters and husband.

I will be blogging this journey every day. Some days may seem quite boring to most, but I think if I write about it - it becomes more real. I become accountable to myself. Wish me luck ...

Do you ever wonder how age just creeps up on a person? One day we wake up and look in the mirror and wonder who is looking back at us. Sometimes it is quite the surprise.


Where did those parenthesis lines come from; those lines around the lips -It is the parenthesis lines and the lip lines that are the worst. Maybe I could deal with everything else - well then, maybe not ... when the clothes come off is when it is OMG! Gravity has sunk in. Where did those perky boobs go? And that flat stomach? Let see how many kids contributed to that bulge down in the tummy area!! Not a pleasant site to see … lol. But it is something we have to get use to and own if we are going to get through the rest of this life as happy campers!


I have to admit there are days I do struggle with it - mostly the face. The body is mostly covered up -I am one of those women who do not wear lingerie to bed but stick to the good ol flannels and even sweats if it’s real cold. But the face, I see that every day. Give me a magnified mirror and it’s like I am in a horror show! Where did those wrinkles and brown spots come from??? 


I was purusing through a magazine last night and had just also reently gone shopping and one of my biggest pet peeves ... the beautiful young models used for cosmetic lines. They are promoting the latest in wrkinkle creams - seriously??!! Look at the makeup  section of department stores. We walk in with the hopes of finding that lotion, cream or even blush that will take ten years off and we are faced,  plastered all over, with the beautiful faces of models - - young models, with no wrinkles, no age spots who don’t even need half the stuff these cosmetic lines sell. We all want to look like them, even at 50+.  So what do we do; we buy the products - if they can look like that why can’t we? So the salesperson wraps our miracle products up and sends us home - on our way to a more youthful glow! We apply these miracle products night after night and day after day; and we wait, and we look in the mirror and we wait some more, and look again. And this time - we notice our lines are not so harsh, a little softer (I mean softer wrinkles are better than hard wrinkles - right??) Could these products really be working, or are we just hoping that we see a difference. Whatever the case, it’s made us feel better and we are happier at the woman looking back at us! And we will keep using it and go back for the next miracle product!


Everyone handles aging differently. Some woman resort to plastic surgery, others to injections and then there are those women who believe  God has blessed them with this beautiful face and it should not be tampered with. Those lines tell the story of your life. Yes some lines may be hard, but some stuff in life is hard; and then you look at your laugh lines and remember all the good times you’ve had, and it makes those lines perfect just the way they are!


I do wish cosmetic lines would embrace the older models – there are some gorgeous 50+ women out in this world - and include them in their marketing. They need to embrace that woman who has led a real life - with its ups and downs and her face the better for it ...  the face with character. Age is not a bad thing. We have lived this life and stood strong through all of its challenges and should be proud of every minute, no regrets, no do-overs ... just the way you are ~  it is your life ~ love each of those lines – they got you where you are today!

I cannot believe it has been almost two years since I have blogged last. Guess I kind of got out of the mood or was not sure what to write about - still do not really, but thought I would try it again.

 In looking at the blogs out there, or at least the ones I come across, that so many of them are written by younger women - and lets just say I would not count myself as one of the younger ones, although in spirit I  see myself there!! But I do not relate to them as they are blogging about their kids and such, and there are a lot of us out here who are way beyond those child bearing years and actually waiting to be a Granma! Maybe I am not looking in the right places ... any suggestions out there????


I am 57 with a birthday coming up and still trying to find myself and what inspires me. I read great stories and articles about how women follow their dreams and just do it - but I am stuck, how does one just do it? And secondly how do you know what your dream is and is it really worth pursuing? I have been with the same company for 25 years, and although the pay is good and generally I like the work, it is not my passion. It does not inspire me to be creative and do more. I ask myself all of the time, what is my passion - how do you determine that? I like doing crafts, I like decorating my house, yet that does not do it for me. And I really do not know what does. Are any of you like this, where you just feel stuck in your life and you do not know what to do or how to get out of the rut?

 Several years back I took writing classes at UCLA online and loved it. But there are so many writers out there, I just say to myself, you are just wasting your time; you will never get published. I have a son who died almost 8 years ago now, of which I have either wanted to write a story about him or a children’s story about disabled children and acceptance, but I don’t – and why don’t I? Who the heck knows? That’s my frustration. Why can't I make myself do these things?


And the funny thing about this is that although I am 57, my parents are still alive and one of my biggest fears is that I will not have accomplished anything worthwhile before they pass away. What kind of thinking is that?


I am afraid but of what I do not know, and everyone says I don't need to why; I just need to do it. OK bloggers, how do I just do it? How do you go forward with your dreams and how do you know what these dreams really are? I guess you could say I need some help!!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. I love the idea of giving thanks to what we have, to those in our lifes, and for all of Gods gifts that he bestows on me during the year. There are times when I am down when I think that I have nothing to be thankful for ... but thats not true. I have everything to be thankful for. Most importantly I am thankful for my loving family, my husband Jim, who puts up with my many moods, for my daughters Aarika and Lindsay who everyday make me laugh, and for my son-in-law Tony who treats my daughter like a princess. And I am so thankful for the most amazing 24 years with my son Erich. I have an amazing extended family here in Texas and am so thankful that they have "taken us in" and included us in their lifes.

And I am thankful for my mom and dad who are amazing, they are in their 80's and still drive cross country to visit family; my sister who I don't see much as she has become a world traveler, but who I know I can call up and bare my soul to; to my brother Jeff who endures so much pain yet always has something positive to say to me and to my brother Brian, who sees the best in life regardless of the situation. I love them all and am so grateful for each of them.

I forget sometimes how much I do have in my life and I need to remember this everyday not just around the holidays. Family is what's important.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

Erich -

"If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane,

We would walk right up to heaven and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken, no time to say good-bye

You were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why."

Erich you have been gone for six years now and in some ways it seems that it was only yesterday that we were all sitting together in the lving room watching the USC/UCLA game and eating chips and dip, but in other ways it seems it has been an eternity since I have seen you, hugged you, heard your crazy laugh, listened to your quirky jokes and listened to you and Lindsay and Aarika go at it at dinner time! Remember, if you stop talking, its no longer your turn??!!

Life goes on Erich and so much has happened since you left us; I know you keep up with all that has haapened in all of our lifes, but its not the same. Its not the same that you are not here experiencing it with us. I miss you more than these words could ever type on this page or that I could ever express. My heart hurts for you but I know that you are happy where you are and you are without your wheelchair and any sort of pain. You are getting do to do all you were not able to do on this earth and that makes me so happy. I Will always carry you with me and keep you close to my heart.

I love you kiddo.

A Little Late

I know I am a little late on this post but just not had the time to sit down and write it. This 4th of July was probably the most patriotic 4th I have spent in many years and it was really special. It was special because I really got the meaning of what the holiday was all about. It may have taken me 55 some odd years but it was more than just fireworks for me this year.

I went to a concert in the park where they played patriotic music and then had a fireworks show with music and it really did move me. One section they honored all the service men and women by playing each of the songs for each of the branches of the armed services and the people stood up who were in these branches..it was really moving. Then we sang America the Beautiful and Glod Bless America, and more than ever it gave me goose bumps. The whole thing was just real special and I am so grateful to be an American Citizen!

Happy Anniversary

Today is my 9th Year Wedding Anniversary! You may all laugh at this but this 9 years is a record for me, so we must be doing something right! I met my husband actually back in high school and then 30 years later met up again online and before you knew it we were married! A quick courtship. Its had its ups and downs and laughter and lots of tears but through it all we have stuck it out and I am grateful for that. I love you Jim.

Missing Family

Never did realize how difficult it would be to be away from my girls! I surely do miss them ... seeing them every week ... it's not the same 1400 miles away and talking on the phone.

Missing my mom and dad and brothers and sisters also. My dad emailed me today to thank me for his Texas Pecan Pie and I just started to cry.

Don't ever take family for granted ... far or close always love them and cherish them.

Success

It is sometimes strange to me when I am feeling something and then something I read or hear is so related. Today I read the assigned posts from creativity Boot Camp Spring Training and it so applied to my last post ... here is what she wrote:

"...a huge lesson for me was that if I was going to be successful, I had to be successful as myself. I couldn't be successful doing what other people were doing. I had to do what I believed in and what felt real to me and what felt true to me, "because the worst thing to be is successful as someone else." - Shawn Carter

"..I knew that I had to let go of other people's perception of my work. I couldn't base my success on what others thought is successful. I have to define success for myself.

Struggling

Seems lately I have been struggling with what to do in life. I am almost 56 and still dont know what I should be doing and what my real passion is? Do any of you out there have that same problem. I love to create and I see all these awesome some sites of women creating and love their work, but what is unique to me is what I am struggling with??? I can take someones else idea and make it my own by changing it up but whey cant I ever think of my own ideas. It is so frustrating. How do I dig deep into my soul and find out whats there. I struggle with this day in and day out.

Now trying some sewing crafts to see if that is where my passions lie. I like putting things together; don't like drawing but can put together stuff real well, I am creative like that so hopefully I will create something I fall in love with with sewing or with fabrics...who knows.

Morning Pages

Have or are any of you practicing writing "morning pages?" I am doing the Spring training Workshop and one of the suggestions was doing morning pages which is an idea gotten from the Artists Way. It is writing three pages of just cursive writing in the morning to clear your mind. They say that after doing this for several weeks, it clears your mind and your creativity and intuition is so much clearer. New ideas and things come to mind and solutions to problems. And on and on.So I am going to do it, in fact I started today and write my three pages. You are to do it every morning before your day starts and just write and write,no editing, no reading just writing. Lets see if it works!!

Hope all have a happy memorial day weekend!

All Alone

I am officially an "empty nester". Both my daughters are now moved back to sunny California and i am here three states away in Texas. I never imageined my family would be separated by three states let alone three cities, but here I find myself in this situation. It is sad for me. I cannot just run down the street and visit them, now I have to make plans and take time to go and visit them...not sure I am liking that. But I promised my husband at least two years in Texas, soI have to stick to that. It is not that I dont like Texas, I do like Texas, I like my home, living near my cousins, but I too, also miss Simi Valley. Not so much California but Simi Valley where I lived for thirty some odd years. where my kids grew up, got married, graduated and where my son died. How do I leave that history behind. I am not the kind of person that can do that. There is no history here for me in Texas. Sure I have maybe 40 some years to make it, but do I really want to make it when my entire family lives in California?

It is hard to be away ... in the meantime I will take some writing classes, some art classes , go visit places in Texas i have never seen, and make the best of it.

There are times that I think all a mother can do is just to love and support her children regardless of the decisions they make. My 19 year old decided she did not like Texas and had to get back to California so I had to let her go. Too young in my opinion to be on her own. But she upped and moved and so far, although it has been a bit rough, is doing fairly well. It is not always what we as mothers want, but as long as she is safe and has a roof over her head and food in her stomach I have to let her go and spread her wings.

Then there is my other daughter Lindsay and her hubby Tony who also do not like it here in Texas and although they are working here, they just do not want to be here. So much so that it is making my daughter sick. Not Texas but the idea that she lives here and not in California. There is this draw to California and I guess if I were her age I would want the same. Thats where she grew up, thats her home and where all her friends and most of her family are. She doesn't want to be away from them. Although she is leaving her mama in Texas by herslef...lol, I would rather she be with Aarika and they have each other.

So much for my big plans that everyone would live happily ever after here in Texas. I guess visisting and living here are two different things. So the girls say.

As for me...I will not come to a conclusion just yet and give it more time .... that is of course unless my daughter has my grandchildren!!

Happy Mothers day to all you bloggers out there! I do not have all my kids with me this mothers day and this is the first time. Aarika is in California and get to see her next Sunday..woo hoo, but thank goodness I have one here still...although not for long. Lindsay invited me to lunch today to Chipotle..yummy, I love that place. It was so nice just sitting outside eating and talking just she and I. We don't get the opportunity to do that much so when we do, I love it, thank you Lindsay.

I am also not able to be with my mom today who has been my role model. She is an incredible mother who although she had her many downs and ups she has always been there for us kids and I love her forever. She is 83 and she and dad just took a driving trip out to see me a couple weeks ago!! You go mom!

I LOVE YOU LNDSAY AARIKA AND ERICH WITH ALL MY HEART

My gosh I think summer is upon us! It is 91 degrees outside and I thought this was still spring! Not sure we really had spring out here in Texas this year. first spring here and it seemed sort of hot.

Last night my hubby and I went out with my cousins to Chuys...love that restaurant. Had a blue Hawaiian..pretty good drink but prefer pina coladas and margaritas over it. Then went to a car show where all the muscle cars are..kinda cool. Beautiful cars and some that reminded me of when I was in high school and knowing the guys that drove those cars were real cool...lol. Then went and drove to CowTown Speed Way..talk about your out in the country hick speed way...I loved it though.Got to go back to that and actually watch some races.

Tomorrows mothers day and first one I have not had all my kiddos with me. Lindsay is still here but I am thinking tomorrow she is going to tell me she is leaving for California again. They don't like it her and as much as I don't want her to go I also don't want them to be so unhappy. I hope this works for them.

Well happy mother's day to all you bloggers out there, enjoy your day!

You know how sometimes you take a class and you wonder if it is working or not ... well in the Soul Restoration course I am taking I was wondering that, but you know what? What they say does sink in ... this morning at 5:30 (when i get up to go to gym) I just did not want to go, I wanted to sleep so I lay there awhile and kept say to myself , as Soul Restoration taught us to say... "she did it anyway." So I am thinking of the phrase and I was so tired but I had to do it anyway. So got up and went to gym and felt better for it after all!

Tonight going to one of those "romance" parties. My cousin is hosting it so should be quite fun...especially with margaritas and daiquiris!!

Again, it has been forever since I have been on. Guess I think I don't have anything to write but then I read other peoples blogs and they just write about random stuff so guess I will start doing that!

I have been taking Christy Tomlinson's She Art Workshop and am loving it. It is so much fun working with different textures and paints. I love it. Cannot really draw the "She" but like all the other parts. Also am doing Soul Restoration online and it has been great. Lots of journaling and art with that course to. I am amazed at all the wonderful classes and art projects I have found through you alls blogs...its been great. Keeps me busy. Don't even want to work anymore just want to work on my projects. Not good for the paycheck if I do that though so get up early in the morning go work out at Curves and then come home and usually craft for about an hour and then of course I do it in the evenings! I love it.

I am finally settled into my new home and my veggie garden is doing so wonderful. I cannot believe how fast veggies come up. I planted squash, cucumbers, radishes, carrots, green onions, cantaloupe, watermelon, tomato's...cant wait till they produce my veggies!

I have been loving all the lightening and thunder we have been having. Never got it in California so its a real treat for me. The skies light up so beautiful. Not liking the tornadoes and devastation those storms have caused though.

So that's my catch up...not much but will try and just write from now on....

Hi All it has been a while since I have blogged. Have been super busy getting my house in order, things put away and pictures hung. I think I hung my last pictures in my husbands office today...that is until I acquire some more. Looking for a vintage picuture of a woman to put in my bathroom, so got to go peruse those antique stores!

My daughter and her husband are moving out next week, so it Will just be me the hubby and four dogs!! Will surely be quiet for awhile. Will miss them all more than they realize.

I need to get started on my crafts. Seems with work i never have time. i sign up for all of these online classes and then cannot do them as of work...how do you all manage the two things?

Have a happy Weekend. going to my aunt and uncles for their 60th wedding anniversary! Cannot even imagine that...Happy Anniversary Aunt Barbara and Uncle Dick!