Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Finding Yourself

Do any of you ever wonder who you really are, or who you are really meant to be? Are we who we are because we are living up to someone elses' expectations? Or are we who we want to be? I ask myself that question alot, and I think I am living up to someone elses expectations and not my own ... and at 55 years old that is sad. Sad and frustrating at the same time, that I do not have the courage to burst out of this "image" and become that woman I feel every day inside of me. Fear grips me like no other and I am not sure why. Did I grow up in an environment that was so stifling it hid everything I am suppose to be? Why is it we hang on to the past? Why can't our emotions and psyche let it go?

Or maybe I am the person I am suppose to be ... I see myself boring, sad, lonely with nothing to offer the world ... sounds pathetic doesn't it, but is true ; that is how I feel. The one thing in my life I am so proud of are my 3 children...they are my accomplishment and yes that is enough but they are grown up and no longer need me in the same way; my identity needs to be reworked and that is what I am struggling with right now. That identity of a "mom". Oh don't get me wrong I still love being a mom, but now it is my time to also be something else and that is what I wonder about everyday.

Should I be a writer and artisit or just continue in the same boring job I have been in for 21 years? Should I jump out of airplanes or ski the highest mountain ( I am so fearful of heights)? I don't have a "bucket list", maybe I should, so that someday I won't look back on my life and see as my only great accomplishment ... my children.

I read so many blogs from amazing woman who have found the courage to stretch their wings and venture out. Everyone says just do it. Easier said than done. How do I just dance naked in the house, sing at the top of my lungs ... won't someone judge me for that? How do I learn to carry on conversations with people and offer something to that conversation without someone thinking I was silly or stupid because i said the wrong thing.

How do I get over being critisized and judged by the people I love ... loved ones should never judge or critisize. Loving is unconditional.

2011 is the year I want to find myself ... if anyone out there has any suggestions ... throw them my direction. I want to be free of all my inhibitions that prevent me from being the person fighting to get out everyday.

Thanks for listening.


Lindsay said...

just do it and do not let anyone at all hold you back.
you encourage us to do what we want to do with our lives, and you should do the same. even if that means you are alone in the process, you know us kids will always be here. you deserve the world momma!! and to be honest who cares if strangers or your loved ones judge is your life and you need to be happy. we only live once and we need to live it up as best as possible. do not let anyone tell you different and do not let anyone hold you back. you deserve to have everything you ever dream of, so go get it. no matter what city state country that is in...GO FOR IT MOMMA!!! Aarika, Tony and I are always going to be here for you and we will always love and support you. And Iknow you know this but Erich would want you to also. Just like that Tim Mcgraw song says, "Live like you were dying." I believe in you momma :) i love you!!

The Shanty Girl said...

Wow Sharon, I would in no way have described you in the way you described yourself. I see a very vibrant woman! You need to check out the BraveGirl giveaway! I have link on my blog...Also sweetie I need an address to send the Coco DVD for you for the pass along. I emailed you but did not get a return email I hope you got my email.

Stephey said...

Hi Sharon,

This is an amazingly honest post, with such courage to express the inner truth the way you have in this post - I am MORE than confidant you can break the ties that bind you. A willingness to know the truth is what causes change. If we aren’t willing to face truth then we are essentially saying we aren’t ready to change, cuz truth will always change us, our mind, perceptions, openness etc. The truth here is an innate truth, an inner truth longing to break free. This I find can be the scariest path because it requires us to let go of blame - specifically towards the self, so to this I say kudos to you for expressing the hard stuff!

I really resonate with what you have shared for I have traveled a similar journey of struggle. I have had within me such a desire for freedom! To break through the boxes that held me captive - at times it was everything I could do just to remain in my body. I would never assume to know how you feel, but I can share with you what it felt like to me - despair, suffocation and an over all sense of helplessness. I felt helpless to the two worlds within, one longing to break free and urging me to do so every step of the way and the other pulling me down with fear and worry about ridicule. Yet, if I looked at my life from a certain angle there was nothing wrong, great job, family, friends etc. Yet on the inside - pure hell. I simply did not feel safe to be what was calling inside and yet on a very real level I was - AM - that sparkly stuff on the inside. Let me acknowledge this is a painful space to be, it’s not an easy journey. There are no magic pills or words or even inspiration that will break the ties of self-limitation. Though positive words, encouragement and inspiration do support the movement out of this constricted space, the only thing that truly has the power to break it, is your determination. To first make the choice to move towards freedom is key. Despite "knowing" what to do - when you choose to employ your will and "decide" to move towards freedom that will set into motion the journey of release. The way I think of it as like planning a trip. I can hope and wish and prayer with all my light to go to Italy. I may want to go to Italy so bad and dream of all the fabulousness of Italy, I research tickets, hotels, travel companions etc but unless I book the ticket, get on the plane and go - it stays an idea, an inspiration, a desire. Until I commit to going it cannot become my reality - it remains in my mindscape. I may not even know I am going to pay for trip but once I may the decision to go I open myself up for ways in which to pay. This could be payments plans, garage sales, extra hours at work, hell, if I wanted to go bad enough I may even sell some of my gold. :) Now, I know you can not sell gold and journey past the fear, that would be easy huh, but we can take small steps outside our comfort zone - despite the fear - despite the naughty negative voices inside saying no. There was a time in my journey that I had enough of the inner negative bullying that I said out loud - “YEP! I am sad, boring, lonely and have nothing to offer in the world but am going to take that art class anyway! I’m gonna be a sad, boring, lonely, have nothing to offer in the world art student!” In doing that enough times, rebelling against my inner critic, inner bully, inner no, those voices that once had me frozen in stuck began to release their grip.
The key here is to begin to create a safe place for you to emerge, i encourage you to take small steps and to start with something that sounds fun, cake decorating, one day class, visit a local museum, start listening to audio books by authors that support a positive mind-set. Anything in the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron might help process the inner no into release. I suggest audio books because when bombarded with such negative, mean spirit voices in our head it helps to take in another’s voice, literally and metaphorically. Give us something else to listen to and keep our mind busy as we begin to wiggle free of its grip.