Where is Home?

I have been away from blog land for several days ... had to take a trip back to California for work. Strange to be back to a place I lived for thirty some odd years. As my husband and I drove down into Simi Valley, I just started to cry. He couldn't understand why, as he is so glad to be out of California, but for me it is mixed feelings. Driving down into the valley of Simi felt so comfortable. I know every knook and cranny there is to know; all the streets, the shops, places to eat...I know my way around like the back of my hand, and with that comes the comfort of home. I made a huge mistake by going by the house we left; it is still empty and the blinds were open so I looked inside...too many memories. I wanted to be back in that house. I wanted to be home again. I told my husband to call the landlord and lets re rent it. I had to have that home again, I had to feel like I was home again. I had to be close to Erich again, to the memories we all shared as a family. All week I struggled with wanting to be there; and it was no easier when I left. It was too soon to go back and see my home where my kids grew up, where my son died and where my son is buried. It was so hard to leave him once again, but I know that I will need to do this over and over, and I only hope it gets easier.

When I moved o Texas I told myself I would live here for a year and In one year determine if I wanted to stay or go back to California. I do like Texas, I do wish I lived in a different area. Texas to me is about living in the area of my cousin...for years and years that is how I envisioned living here and when we moved here and could not move into that area, it threw me. I live in an area that could be in Simi Valley except the houses are brick. I don't want this type of area. I want to live out in the country, where the trees are, where your neighbors aren't whispering distance away; where my dogs can run around and bark at rabbits and critters and where i can walk outside and see a million stars.

When I left California, I cried for a few hours, i wanted to be back so bad. But as I drove further away from California, my ache for home eased up a bit .. i knew I was headed for my new home and I knew in my heart that i had to make it work. I have wanted to live in Texas for so long; well I am here so I need to find out what the force was that keeps calling me here. I will stay and I will find that force.